13 of Nazareth

peace of mind over everything

SPECIFIC @ RANDOM

The Price of Inspiration

Posted by 13 of Nazareth on July 31, 2010 at 8:53 AM

As you may or may not know, I have seizures ( I feel like I have started a post like this before) and I have been having them since I was 18 years old. I have made it a habit to focus on what I gain from having seizures instead of what I lose but I sometime, like now,  find myself feeling like a burden to the people who love me. I am sure most of them will tell you that is that farthest thing from the truth and whether or not they are telling the truth, simply saying so is a reflection of the fact that they love me. 


For example a little over a month ago I was watching my cousin while my aunt was at work when the warning signs that I would have a seizure struck me. I fell, twisted both knees, and lay on the tile floor in agony while my 9 year old cousin was fast asleep. He knows I have seizures but has never been alone with me during one. I imagined all of the worst possible scenarios if he were to awaken and managed to drag myself to the phone and call my wife (who was 3 hours away but the only phone number I could remember at the time) I had her call my brother of a friend, godchild, who lived down the street from my aunt. I was able to unlock the door and he rushed over.


Sometime after he arrived I had a "grand mal" seizure during which I lost consciousness, shook violently, bit down on my tongue, and urinated on myself. This is typically what happens, its frustrating and a little embarrassing but typical...I woke up several hours later drained from the convulsions, dehydrated, with a headache also from the convulsions, and the pain in my knees which is a new experience for me. I have fallen numerous time but this type of injury has never occurred in conjunction with my seizures. godchild was there, relieved to see me awake and stayed for as long as he could, my wife called to check on me, and my cousin even came to ask if I was okay; I appreciated it all.


The icing on the cake was when my aunt returned from work she was apologizing for leaving me at home alone with my cousin as though she had done something wrong. In that moment I felt like a burden...I mean here I am 33 years old having traveled the world being heralded for my art  yet I can't be left alone to care for a 9 year old.


I am not one to use the word "hate" in reference to my condition because I have drawn much inspiration from it over the years, in fact many of the poems that I am known for have come to me in the aftermath of seizures; its just that sometimes I hate the price of that inspiration.


I know this is all over the place but that is reflective of how I feel writing it


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1 Comment

Reply Dazery Dyer
6:00 PM on September 16, 2010 
At some time or another we all feel like a burden to the ones who love us the most. Right now I am feeling a little of the same, and I know if I dwell on those feelings I will become, and remain, very depressed; so my words to you are: There will be times in our lives when we feel like we do more leaning than supporting, but to the people who love us supporting us is a small trade-off for having us in their lives. I am sure there are times in your life when you do more supporting than leaning and you don't consider the person a burden. Let your loved ones support you when you need it knowing there will be times when they will need your support, and you will willingly and gladly do it.

Peace & Blessings!